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Asshole FAQ
What is an asshole?
-An asshole is a heterosexual male who is knowingly inconsiderate, self-serving, and obnoxious.
Thats a boring definition. Cant you give details?
-Assholes are part of all our lives. They are everywhere, from the fucker who cut you off on the way to work, to that piece of shit weatherman who smiles as he tells you a violent hailstorm is coming tomorrow. Assholes cut in line. Assholes mess up families with one wife and then start a new a family with another wife so they can "get it right this time." Assholes let pet-her-ass priests run amok. Assholes hog the bong. Assholes are never wrong. Assholes fart and dont own up to it. Assholes refuse to legalize my beloved ganja. Assholes, simply put, and assholes.
Hey, isnt an asshole also the place where poopy comes out?
-Yes, but that is not relevant here.
Are you an asshole?
-By virtue of creating this list, I automatically qualify as one. But I tend to think of myself as more of a douschebag.
Why is that?
-Well, I work in advertising. I also went to prep school. And one time my freshman year, my roommates girlfriend walked in on me when I was beating off to "The Price is Right." Typical douschebag behavior. The poor girl is probably blind now.
Wow, you really are a douschebag.
-Told you so.
Am I an asshole?
-No, youre a douschebag.
Hey, why does this website have no apostrophes?
-Stick with the Asshole questions, you Douschebag.
My father beat me up when I was a kid. Is he an asshole?
-Seeing how you were such a douschebag little kid, I cant see your father as being anything other than a perfect gentleman.
Why do assholes have to be men?
-Because women who exhibit assholish behavior are called Bitches.
Why is there no Bitch List?
-Because I can only write so much. Suffice it to say, the list starts with my ex-girlfriend and unspools for miles thereafter.
Why cant gay men be assholes?
-Because gay men who exhibit assholish behavior are also called Bitches.
What about lesbians, then? Can they be assholes?
-No, lesbian bitches are still just bitches. Funny how that works.
Do assholes split along party lines?
-Somewhat. Republicans, who take money from big corporations while blaming everything bad in society on the liberals, tend to be assholes. Democrats, who take money from anyone while boning interns, tend to be more douschebag in nature. This is not a hard rule, as you will find that Former President George Bush is a douschebag. And, of course, Former President Bill Clinton is a Grade A Flaming Red Asshole.
Grade A? Are there degrees of Assholishness?
-Absolutely, and here they are:
GRADE F Asshole. This is your standard, everyday asshole. Like the guy at the convenience store who bitches when give him a twenty. Hes an Asshole.
GRADE D Real Asshole. This is a guy who busts balls for the everyday fun of it. Your Boss, naturally, is a Real Asshole.
GRADE C Major Asshole. This is where assholes start to get dangerous. Major assholes blatantly inconvenience you for the sake of their own assholishness. Major Assholes are prevalent at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
GRADE B Fuckin Asshole. Now people start to get hurt. Fuckin assholes beat wives, bat .230 when theyre making $10 million a year, and can indirectly hurt people for their own profit. These can range from Texas Ranger Carl Everett to any tobacco company executive.
GRADE A - Flaming Red Asshole. Reserved only for men historical for their assholish behavior. Hitler? Stalin? Flaming Red Assholes.
Hey, speaking of Hitler and Stalin, whos the biggest asshole in history?
-The Kraut and the Pinko are neck and neck, but well go with Hitler. Stalin starved 20 million people to death but did it with no regard to race or gender, whereas Hitler devised a system to kill 6 million people, and would have gladly killed more if it werent for Uncle Sam and Co. Plus, he had that stupid fucking mustache. Goddamn he was an asshole. But, Id also like to think that the worlds biggest asshole is out there, somewhere, hidden and lurking among us. Where could he be? And what waiter is he planning to insult? If I see the fucker, Imma punch him in throat.
Are assholes more prevalent in certain areas of the country?
-In general, you can say the East Coast is full of assholes, while the West Coast tends to be awash in whiny little douschebags. And the Midwest, of course, is full of fat people.
Can fictional characters be Assholes?
-You bet. How about that police chief in "Die Hard"? What was up his ass? Total Asshole.
Whats the difference between an asshole and an asswipe?
-Asswipes tend to be more douschebaggy.
Are Assholes good for the world?
-They can be. Former NYC mayor Rudy Guiliani cleaned up Manhattan by adhering to a strict code of persistent assholish behavior. And it takes the leadership of a born Asshole to get New York through 9/11 the way he did. But, on the flipside, assholes like Hitler did some serious bad for the world. Killing Jews is a big no-no.
Can Assholes reform?
-Absolutely. Look at Darth Vader. Oppresses the Rebel fighters and tries to lure Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side, only to pull it together and toss the Emperor down a fancy-looking garbage chute, automatically qualifying him as a Badass. Nice job, Asshole!
Can you be an asshole and a douschebag at the same time?
-Not really, because the difference between the two is that the asshole knowingly aggravates. The douschebag unknowingly agitates. Hard to pull both off, unless you suffer from schizophrenia like the guy in "A Beautiful Mind," who brilliantly pulled off the asshole/douschebag twin billing.
Is there an Asshole Heaven?
-Not sure, but there is definitely an Asshole Hell. Once there, you are given an IROC coupe, a carton of KOOL cigarettes, and a monster kick in the nuts from Satan.
If an Asshole marries a Bitch, do they have little Assholes and little Bitches?
-Yup.
Hey, wheres Mike Tyson?
-Mike Tyson does not qualify for the Asshole list because he is "insane." Insane people are a category of their own.
Okay, if you arent a douschebag, you arent insane, and you arent an Asshole, then what are you?
-You are either a Perfect Gentleman or a Badass.
Whats a Badass?
An asshole who can get away with it because hes a cool fucker.
Can Assholes be Badasses?
-No. Badasses get a pass from the Asshole List. Even Patton, who was a Major Asshole.
Whos the most surprising asshole?
-Could be Muhammad Ali. Respected as a boxer and civil rights activist, Alis gone through wives like I go through a bag of Doritos, racially taunted noted Badass Joe Frazier for no good reason, and helped Don King rise to prominence. Hate to say it, but the guys an Asshole.
Are all serial killers Assholes?
-Surprisingly, no. Take Jeffery Dahmer. Dahmer went to work on time, did his business, didnt bother anyone, and led a peaceful home life. If you take out the times when he kidnapped, sodomized, killed and ate young boys, hes a perfect gentleman. Insane? Yes. But an asshole? Not really.
Is the President an Asshole?
-No. The President seems like an okay guy. But he needs to bomb the shit out of that asshole Saddam Hussein to make the badass list.
Why is Santa Claus an asshole?
-Anyone whos seen the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas Special knows that Santa Claus is the racist asshole who made Rudolph hide his nose for so long. Big jackoff. And when I asked for a Cadillac when I was five years old, Santa totally bagged out. What an Asshole!
Rush Limbaugh isnt fat anymore, and hes losing his hearing. Is he still an asshole?
-Yes, but maybe knocked down a grade.
Was Malcolm X an Asshole?
-Tough call, but no. Malcolm X was a Badass, a Righteous Black Man who inspired millions of American black people and spawned a line of really cool X baseball caps.
Help! Everyone at my office is an Asshole!
-You must work in finance or in law. Most Assholes go straight into those fields right after graduating from Dartmouth and stealing your girlfriend. Now they get to be millionaires. Bullshit world, eh?
Does the animal kingdom have assholes and douschbags?
-Yes. I think weve all seen Asshole dogs in action. They bark at everything, bitch about the food they get, and shit all over the place. Asshole dogs, of course, are owned by Asshole owners, hence the similarity in looks.
Douschebag FAQ
Hey, whats a douschebag?
-You should know, douschebag. Douschebags are men who are unknowingly inconsiderate, self-serving, obnoxious, and overall, ANNOYING.
Thats a boring definition. Spruce it up, Asshole.
-Douschebags run Hollywood. Douschebags pussy out on boozing. Douschebags cant order a meal without asking 500 fucking questions. Douschebags cant fucking drive or use a remote control properly. Douschebags dont like football. Douschebags listen to Phish, the Grateful Dead and, to a lesser extent, Dave Matthews band. Douschebags tell you "this is the best part" 50 times when you watch a movie. Douschebags spend more time bitching about how much work they have to do as opposed to actually doing any work. Douschebags are, simply put, douchebags.
Am I a douschebag?
-Weve already established that.
Are you a douschebag?
-Like I said, Id like to think of myself that way.
Can women be douschebags?
-No. Women who exhibit douschebaggy behavior are called Shitheads.
How big is that list?
-Holy friggin crap its huge. That list starts with any woman who owns a cat and goes on and on after that.
What if I own a cat?
-Any single man who owns a cat is either the biggest douschebag in recorded history or a serial killer.
Name a famous Shithead.
-Drew Barrymore. Watch any interview with her and your eyes will glaze over as if baked in a kiln. What a Shithead.
Can a woman be a Shithead and a Bitch?
-Yes, because of the menstrual cycle.
Are gay men who act like douschebags also called Shitheads?
-NO. Oddly enough, a gay man can be a douschebag, but not an asshole.
Give me the classic example of a douschebag.
-Thats easy. Kevin Arnold from "The Wonder Years." Kevin bitches all the time to himself about how much he wants to tell Winnie Cooper that he loves her, then never has the balls to just say it. Jesus Christ, kid, strap it on and be a fuckin man!
Can douschebags reform?
-Much harder for a douschebag to reform than an asshole. Dont know why. Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Are douschebags good for the world?
-Not really. Assholes, terrible as they can be, are almost always productive. Douschebags tend to dither about and generally act like total dipshits. And anything a douschebag accomplishes is generally not done as a byproduct of their douschebaggyness. The world would be better off without them (except me).
Hey, why is Ozzy a douschebag? Ozzy fuckin rules!
-But he almost killed his wife in a drugged-out stupor a few years ago, then didnt remember anything afterward. Much as I love the guy, hes a douschebag.
Are most Jewish people douschebags?
-No, you racist asshole.
Are there degrees of douschebaggyness?
-Yes, but only two. One is the plain old Douschebag. The other is an Incredible Douschebag, which is self-explanatory.
Whos the worlds biggest douschebag?
-That ones a toughie. Because douschebags dont vary to the degree that assholes do, its hard to pick one that stands out. But Id probably have to go with Ross from "Friends." Just an amazing douschebag all around. How do you mess it up with a piece of ass like Jennifer Aniston? Or is it Eddie Furlong in "Terminator 2"? God, he was a little piece of shit. Or what about Eddie Furlong in real life? See how hard this is?
Give me some other names for "douschebag"
-Dipshit. Gaywad. Pussy. Tightass. Lameass. Retard. Fuckface. Cody.
Whos the most surprising Douschebag?
-Probably Tiny Tim of "A Christmas Carol." Yes, the kids poor and crippled. But that doesnt excuse that dipshit "God bless us, everyone" line I gotta hear every Christmas.
Jesus of Nazareth: Asshole, Badass or Douschebag?
-Definitely not an Asshole. Preached love and peace. Douschebag? Well, he never did get laid. But he did come back from the dead. Also turned water into wine (Party!). Survived his Asshole Dad. Id make him a Badass, but he never had any cool catchphrases or caught a TD pass for my beloved Minnesota Vikings. Well keep Jesus in his own category.
Shaquille ONeal: Asshole, Badass or Douschebag?
-Near impossible to figure out. Best player in the NBA. Hands out elbows like theyre Chinese menus. But he cant hit a free throw, and his movies are so awful they make my sphincter tighten at their very mention. Lets call Shaq the player a Badass, and Shaq the actor a Douschebag.
THE ASSHOLE LIST
-Bill OReilly
-Bill OReillys kid
-The Ghost of Christmas Future
-Howard Cosell
-Everyone at your Thanksgiving dinner
-Cab Drivers
-The guy who clogs up the office toilet with a huge growler and leaves it
-Scrooge
-Bill Clinton
-You Driving
-Bill Maher
-Michael Jordan
-God
-Adolf Hitler and most Nazis (that Schindler guy was okay)
-The Chinese Government
-Any police officer with a mustache
-Any Irish police officer with a club handy
-Josef Stalin
-Your Boss
-Saddam Hussein
-The guy in "American Psycho"
-Your older brother
-Alec Baldwin
-The warden in "Shawshank Redemption"
-Fidel Castro
-The guy handling the keg tap who pours beer for every single person in the friggin universe before finally getting around to you
-Donald Trump
-Sen. Jesse Helms
-Any Lawyer
-Anyone who works in finance
-O.J. Simpson
-The fuckers at the phone company
-The hunter who killed Bambis mom
-Russell Crowe
-Most New Yorkers
-Rudy Guiliani
-Santa Claus (seasonal)
-Jesse Jackson
-The guys in the frat house who tell you youre "part of a brotherhood" before making you fellate a sheep during Pledge Week
-Sports reporter and renowned crybaby Mike Lupica
-Your high school football captain
-NBA analyst and hairplug victim Peter Vecsey
-Every boy age 5-13, all little Assholes
-Al Sharpton
-Al Sharptons stylist
-Ted Nugent
-The blackjack dealer who stole your money
-Howard Stern
-Every truck driver on the highway
-Rush Limbaugh
-That fat fuck who stole my fake ID
-Don King
-Tobacco execs
-The editorial staff of the New York Post
-Tommy Lee
-Any male publicist
-Joe DiMaggio
-The asshole who took Boo Berry cereal off the market
-Quadaffi
-One time I had this dream where I was about to dog Tyra Banks. She was looking really fly, and I was about to do some serious damage, when my buddy woke me up. Hes an Asshole.
-Jack Nicholson
-My sisters ex-boyfriend (yeah, Im talking to you Asshole. Come n get some!)
-Billy Martin
-George Steinbrenner (God, its like the Yankees are the cradle of Asshole civilization)
-Charlton Heston
-Tom Clancy (I saw him lecture when I was abroad at school. Hes one of the biggest assholes on the planet)
-Phil Spector
-Osama bin Laden and his Asshole minions
-Slobodan Milosevic
-That scumbag Italian who hit on my fiancee last year.
-Bryant Gumbel
-The doctor who confirms your herpes diagnosis
-Keith Olbermann
-Everyone responsible for the condom
-Bob Knight
-The dealer who sold you lousy weed
-Tom Green
-Baseball commissioner Bud Selig
-Tommy Lasorda
-The Vice Principal of your high school (he always punished kids because the principal was too gutless to. Fucker.)
-Jim Brown
-Graduates of Harvard University
-Colin Ferguson
-Any non-white gang member (see douschebag section for white gangs)
-Rupert Murdoch
-Darth Vader (pre-Emperor disposal)
-The Dad on "Everybody Loves Raymond"
-Warren Beatty
-Anyone who skis and says they love "fresh powder"
-Lars Ulrich of Metallica
-Catholic bishops
-Cartman
-Americas legion of asshole weathermen
-Jim Morrison
-Any NBA player currently paying child support to more than one woman
-James Cameron
-That husband of that crazy chick who drowned her kids.
-Ben Hogan
-Actually, anyone who plays golf
-Al Davis
-Fans of the New York Yankees
-Anyone who doesnt say "please" and "thank you"
-Germans who dont tip when they come to the U.S.
-Most folks affiliated with the KKK
-Bull Conner
-The rent-a-cops on every American college campus
-Woody Hayes
-Rock band The Eagles and the DJs who actually think "Hotel California" is a good song
-Paul "Bear" Bryant
-The guy Al Pacino played in "Heat"
-Doug Flutie
-Almosy any Mexican bartender
-Dennis Miller
-Bugs Bunny (spent his days fucking with a duck and an inept hunter, all for shits and giggles. Little asshole.)
-Jack Valenti
-Your local Congressman
-Project Greenlight executive producer Chris Moore
-Proponents of cockfighting (the kind with chickens, not penises)
-Ted Turner
-Most any Fortune 500 CEO
-The Pope
-My penis
-Ayotollah Komeni
-All bouncers
-Smurf nemesis Gargamel
-Little League Dads
-Walter Kronkite
-Traffic cops who make you take a detour with no way to get back to the main road (this actually happened to me once. Murder would be too kind a penalty for these cocksuckers)
-Pete Rose (Note: belongs in the Grade A class, beats Ty Cobb for baseballs King Asshole)
-Any B movie actor who snags super hot chicks (Lorenzo Lamas, Charlie Sheen, etc.)
-Ty Cobb
-Anyone who has more money than me
-Whoevers President during a game of Asshole (The Asshole, ironically, is actually a douschebag)
-Bobby Kennedy
-Joe Pescis character in any feature film
-Satan
-Ted Kennedy
-Dan Aykroyd, for "Blues Brothers 2000" alone
-Oliver Stone
-The drill sergeant in "Full Metal Jacket" (perhaps the funniest asshole in the history of cinema)
-Craig Kilborn
-Any guy who steals porn from another guy
-Mike Wallace
-The Emperor in "Star Wars"
-Axl Rose
-Anyone whos ever won the lottery
-Yasser Arafat
-The entire Portland Trail Blazers team
-Tony Soprano
-Guys who bitch about the price of their stocks
-Mickey Mantle
-Anyone whose penis is bigger than mine in length or girth
-Kevin Costner
-The guy Kevin Costner plays in any Kevin Costner movie
-Harvey Weinstein
-Freddy Krueger
-Anyone who owns more than one cell phone
-Barry Bonds
-Any guy who bangs his secretary and then doesnt take her to lunch on Secretarys Day
-Bob Weinstein
-Anybody who says, "Do you know who I am?"
-Nixon
-The Terminator in "The Terminator"
-Roger Clemens
-The dude who fucked up your plane reservation
-Iron Chef Morimoto
-My Dad at a fancy restaurant
-Beer snobs
-Jim Rome
-Andy Sipowicz on "NYPD Blue"
-Sean Penn
-The two brothers in Oasis
-The one roommate who eats all the food you bought and then bitches about how theres nothing to eat
-John Lennon (break up the Beatles? You asshole!)
-Charles Manson
-Your IT guy
-Michael Corleone
-The owners of every major North American sports franchise
-Jake LaMotta
-Communists
-Fascists
-Muhammad Ali
-Anyone with an entourage
-Sen. Trent Lott
-Any rapper on MTV Cribs who shows off everything he bought after he got his advance that will soon be taken away because he got all of it with bad credit
-Sean "Puffy" Combs
-Gifted artists who died early because of their own stupidity (Jimi Hendrix, John Belushi, etc.)
-SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels
-Anyone who owns a silencer
-NBC "Sports" prez Dick Ebersol
-Everyone responsible for the show "Friends"
-Tupac Shakur
-Newman
-Dr. Romano on ER
-Mr. Woo, my sophomore year math teacher (and he smelled too)
-Larry Flynt and Al Goldstein
THE DOUSCHEBAG LIST
-Carrot Top
-Ken Griffey Jr.
-Commodus in "Gladiator"
-Al Gore
-Graduates of Yale University
-Linkin Park
-The French
-Everyone in your poetry class
-Dick Vitale
-Scrappy Doo
-Any guy who pisses in the middle urinal of a three urinal bathroom
-Steve Forbes
-Anyone from Cincinnati
-Quentin Tarantino
-Activists for PETA
-Donald Duck
-TV host James Lipton
-Lennox Lewis
-The grocery clerk who cant figure out how much a friggin can of soup costs
-Sen. Tom Dachle
-Any MTV News "Reporter"
-Any male gossip columnist
-Internet movie dumbfuck Harry Knowles
-Everyone responsible for the film "Magnolia"
-Ozzy Osbourne (sorry, Ozzy)
-The Terminator in "Terminator 2"
-Eddie Furlong in "Terminator 2"
-Barney Rubble
-Everyone on the Academy Awards telecast
-Tom Cruise
-Jack Tripper from "Threes Company"
-Marilyn Manson
-Alan Keyes, and any other Black Republican not named Colin Powell
-Roger Ebert
-Most music critics
-The staff of Rolling Stone magazine
-Pat Robertson
-Any white gang member
-Molester Priests
-Billy Crystal
-Darren Star (thanks for creating "Sex and the City," you douschebag)
-Fans of the Boston Red Sox (give it up already)
-Corey Haim
-Fans of Duke University basketball
-Terry Bradshaw
-Your younger brother
-Jerry Seinfeld
-Any guy that doesnt finish his goddamn beer
-Paul ONeill
-That loser in the Sam Adams radio ads
-My buddy Howard
-Paul McCartney (post-Beatles era)
-Anyone who went to prep school
-Anyone with a last name for a first name (like Carter or Blake or some other preppy dipshit name like that)
-Carson Daly
-Anyone who "summers in Nantucket"
-Frasier Crane and Niles Crane
-Billy Joel
-Fans of Billy Joel
-Your friend who got a new girlfriend and doesnt do jack shit with you anymore
-George Bush (the older one)
-Most Canadians
-Interior decorators
-Waylon Smithers from "The Simpsons"
-Hamlet
-Kevin Arnold from "The Wonder Years"
-Most independent filmmakers
-Ross from "Friends"
-Larry King (by the way, have you ever noticed that Larry King only likes shitty movies? Its uncanny how any time he endorses a flick, it ends up sucking like Divine Brown. Cant count the number of times this happened.)
-George Costanza
-CNN newsman Aaron Brown (a HUGE douschebag)
-Rodney King
-Trekkies
-John Madden
-Emeril Legasse
-Every male character on "Sex and the City" (not that I watch it)
-Magic Johnson
-My buddy Scott, who actually thought it was funny one time to punch me in the nuts. Douschebag!
-Bob Costas
-Jay Leno
-Any contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"
-Richard Simmons
-The guy who decided to show chicks peeing in Penthouse
-Fredo Corleone
-Woody Allen
-The Ken doll
-Arsenio Hall
-Rivers Cuomo of Weezer (good band, though)
-Freddie Prinze, Jr.
-Maurice, who will be your waiter for the evening
-John Walker Lindh
-Obi-Wan Kenobi (by far the biggest douschebag in the Star Wars universe)
-Luke Skywalker
-Kurt Cobain
-Most environmental activists
-R.E.M. lead singer Michael Stipe
-Mozart
-Ronald Reagan
-Ronald Reagans douschebag biogrpaher
-Ronald Reagans douschebag kid
-The Tooth Fairy (cheap dipshit)
-Hugh Grant
-Jennifer Lopez servant/husband
-P. Diddys butler
-Any member of an entourage
-Tiny Tim of "A Christmas Carol"
-Most Olympians
-Charles Dickens
-The guy who wrote all the songs for Styx
-80s metal band Stryper
-Jon Bon Jovi
-Anyone in a boy band (like shooting fish in a barrel, eh?)
-Whoever gets to bone Britney Spears first
-Gary Condit
-Heidi Klums husband (Note: Have you seen this guy? Hes like Frank Zappa crossed with the McDonalds Fry Guy. Its horrifying and disturbing that he gets such major league poon tang.)
-Ahmad Rashad
-Your High School Valedictorian
-Anybody who wears a letter jacket for a non-sport sport (like Band, or Debate, or Cheerleading. So gay.)
-Every gay dude on MTVs "The Real World"
-Captain Kirk
-Your high school swim team
-Cameron Crowe
-People who like Cameron Crowe movies
-The Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion
-Kobe Bryant
-George F. Will (the F stands for "Fairy")
-Robin
-Pauly Shore
-The video store clerk who keeps urging you to rent "Evil Dead 2"
-Andy Rooney
-Anyone who wears black jeans and white sneakers
-The Snuggle Fabric Softener Bear and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee
-Anyone who still says, "Wassuuupp!"
THE BADASS LIST
-Boba Fett
-Snoop Doggy Dogg
-General George Patton
-JFK
-Malcolm X
-Maximus in "Gladiator"
-Martin Luther King
-Abe Lincoln
-Dwight Eisenhower
-Patrick Swayze in "Road House"
-Doc Holliday
-The guys from Flight 93
-Billy Dee Williams (but not Lando Calrissian)
-Han Solo
-Robert De Niro (though hes losing credibility fast)
-Chewbacca
-Brett Favre
-George Washington
-Greek God Zeus
-The Rock
-Henry V (defeated 10,000 French pansies with an army of 500 pasty limeys. Sweet.)
-Any guy who leaves his sports section in the shitter
-Peter North
-My Dad (awwwwwwwww)
-Firefighters
-Firefighters who bang hot chicks because they are firefighters
-Frank Sinatra
-Elvis Presley
-Andrew WK
-Cheech
-Chong
-Sandy Koufax
-Bob Marley
-Slash
-Hugh Hefner
-Tommy Lee Jones
-Robert Duvall
-Most Australians
-Myself in daydreams
-Vito Corleone
-Batman
-Sam Malone
-Denzel Washington
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